I am now down to 6 smokes a day... and I'm finding it mostly ok but getting harder... I have to be really conscious of rationing them for the Must Smoke Now times in my day. I'm also getting more cranky. I'm blaming it on withdrawals... may not be the culprit but it'll do for blaming. The hospital has a program to help staff members quit smoking, so I made an appointment last week and now I have a months supply of Nicotine gum for free... which is helping a bit with making me less of a cranky bitch... and if one months supply is not enough, I can get an ongoing supply from the hospital pharmacy at cost price... woo...

The gum is not lovely, it tastes nice for about 5 seconds, and then it's less pleasant... but really, cigarettes didn't taste so good when I started in on them either... it's also annoying because it takes a while for the nicotine to hit your system, so I have to try and anticipate when I'm going to be REALLY craving a cigarette and have a piece of gum about half an hour before... Pfffftttt... yeah right. Coz I'm soooooo good at delayed gratification. Also, you can't just chew it like normal chewie, you have to chew it till you can taste the nicotine, then park it in your cheek, and when the flavour subsides, give it another brief chew and park it again, and so on until all the flavour is gone...

I'm putting leftover cigarette money in my ink pig... i have decided on next ink, i have the design printed and ready to take to tattooist... new ink in the next few weeks i think.

also... 6 more days of work till i am on holidays... 10 days till i'm in Tassie. Fuck yeah holiday!!!!
When I decided to quit smoking last Thursday, I was smoking anywhere between half a pack and a full pack a day, depending on what I was doing/stress levels etc. But at minimum half a pack, I decided that 13 cigarettes/day would be my baseline for starting to reduce, and so from last Friday phase one of The Plan - to smoke no more than 10 cigarettes a day - was implemented. So far so good. Last night I finally got around to nutting out the entire 10 week "Become A Non-Smoker" plan so I'm writing it down here for reference, and posterity.

Weekly cost of being a smoker: $54.60 (based on 13/day at average 60c/cigarette)

Week One: Oct 1 - Oct 7
Max. 10/day.
Savings: $12.60

Week Two: Oct 8 - Oct 14
Max. 8/day.
Savings: $21

Week Three: Oct 15 - Oct 21
Max. 6/day.
Savings: $29.40

Week Four: Oct 22 - Oct 28
Max. 5/day
Savings: $33.60

Week Five: Oct 29 - Nov 4
Max. 4/day
Savings: $37.80

Week Six: Nov 5 - Nov 11
Max. 3/day
Savings: $42.00

Week Seven: Nov 12 - Nov 18
Max. 2/day
Savings: $46.20

Week Eight: Nov 19 - Nov 25
Max. 1/day
Savings: $50:40

Week Nine: Nov 26 - Dec 2
Max. 3/week
Savings: $52.80

Week 10: Dec 3 - Dec 9
Max. 2/week
Savings: $53.40

From December 10 I will be a non-smoker, and if I put the money I am not spending on cigarettes in the money box for the 10 week weaning process, by the end of it I will have $378. I am going to try and do this, because I like the idea of having a bonus $378 right before Christmas :)

1. Cigarettes cannot be saved up and/or carried over - any unsmoked cigarettes from each days allotment are deducted from the next days total.
2. I will not carry more than the days allowance with me, if someone bums a smoke from me that is one less for me.
         2.1 I mayn't allow this to turn me into a stingy bitch, normal generosity rules must remain in place.
3. I may not bum smokes from anyone else, even if it's within my allowance. **
4. I must track my progress on the wall chart (which I will draw up tonight).
5. I may not replace cigarettes with food of any kind. I am allowed to occassionally have a chupachup as a treat and to alleviate withdrawal symptoms and appease my oral fixation when I am really struggling.
6. I may not EVER bitch, moan, whine, discourage, preach at, harrass, criticise or otherwise annoy my friends who smoke. If I do, they have my full permission to tell me to pull my head in and/or fuck off.
7. I cannot smoke indoors.
8. I cannot buy a new pack until the old pack is completely gone.

** I didn't have any smokes at home yesterday morning, so I bummed a couple off Shane before eventually going to the shops and buying my own pack. I included them in my days limit of 10, but it was that situation that inspired this rule. If I don't have any of my own, I don't have any.
quiregrrl: (Icky Things)
Someone I love dearly is currently going through the painful ordeal of a family member in the terminal stages of lung cancer, and the suffering ripples through everyone connected.

I hate that this person I love has to watch someone they care about die, and I don't ever want to be the cause of that pain for anyone I care about if I can help it.

I need to quit smoking... not eventually, but now. No more excuses. I don't think I'd cope with cold turkey right away, but I have made a promise to quit completely by mid December.

I'm putting it here so that everyone can hold me accountable. I have now smoked for more than half of my life, I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on cigarettes, and I have failed at quitting more times than I can count. I will not fail this time, but I may need help... please don't offer me cigarettes if you're a smoker, please don't replace any of my cigarettes that you smoke, please hold my hand if you see me flailing in social situations, please remind me that I have a promise to keep if you see me lighting up, please forgive me if my withdrawals impact on you... i will do my best to not let that happen but I can't promise I will always be rational.

I have 10 weeks to cut down and quit smoking completely. I will do this.

ETA: I can't do patches (allergic to sticky things on my skin), I really don't believe I'd survive Champex, I will investigate nicotine gum as a means of relieving the withdrawal symptoms and making it a bit easier....
I can't believe i have to go back to work tomorrow... it doesn't feel like I've had a weekend... probably because i slept for most of it. I had lots of things I wanted to get done this weekend but overwhelming exhaustion and enervation meant that my body decided sleep was more important than anything else.

I did manage to wake up and get myself to the doctor for my appointment on Saturday. Explained what's been going and he said the likely causes are PCOS, fibroids, hormone imbalance, or thyroid. He got the nurse to take 8 (EIGHT!) vials of my blood and I have to go have an ultrasound this week some time. Taking the blood was funny, the nurse had the usual trouble people have finding veins in me that seem sufficiently promising to deliver up blood, but eventually found one on the inside of my left wrist, just above my tattoo, and she poked it few times, checked the back of my hand again, the crook of my elbow again, went back to my wrist, and said it felt like the best option but hmmmmm... very sensitive area! It will hurt here, people never like blood taken from here. She started to feel around elsewhere again, and I had to talk her into taking it from my wrist, eventually convincing her that if I could tolerate a tattoo there, I could cope with one little needle :)

I really like my GP, I've been seeing him for close to two years now, and never once in that time has he brought up my weight, or done the lazy-doctor thing of blaming everything on the fact that I'm fat. This visit however, he did bring it up, unfortunately (for him) he started the conversation with "Have you heard of gastric banding surgery?". I explained to him that I have, and I am very opposed to it from an ethical viewpoint, and the reasons why. My respect for him went back up when he listened to me, nodded, and we then had probably the best discussion of weight and health I have ever had with a medical professional. He was shocked and appalled when I said that one of the reasons I like him as my GP is that he DOESN'T blame everything on my weight, he asked if that has happened with other doctors and was amazed when I said that it happens to nearly every fat person with a disturbing majority of doctors. I talked about HAES, and he knew what I was talking about and agrees with it. We talked about diet and exercise and I was frank and honest that I do eat too much, and don't exercise enough, but I do eat lots of vegies and fruit and I ride my bike and I walk everywhere, and he said that he knows I'm healthy, I'm obviously healthy because I don't have chronic health problems, I'm not on medications, my blood pressure is good, and he's been seeing me long enough to know that none of that is a fluke... but he also pointed out that my age is now creeping up, and with my weight I am going to start noticing an impact on my joints, and at some point I might want to think about reducing my body mass. I agreed with him. I can't explain how wonderful it was to have such a sensible and rational conversation with a health professional about weight! I said as much to him, and thanked him, and he said I'm obviously intelligent and understand the issues, and it's my body, and I am responsible for it, and he won't ever hassle me about my weight as long as I am healthy. I love my GP :) Dr Jacob Hui at Campsie Medhealth Centre, Beamish St (opp World of Fruit) if anyone's interested :) Oh, and he bulk-bills :)

Dinner and couching with Ange and Shane last night was lovely as always... and today i dragged myself into town for Paddling/Caning workshop... putting a workshop the day after MG party was a mistake... oh well... small but good.

Bed again very soon... guitar class tomorrow night, need to do lots of sewing on Tues and Wed evenings so that corset is pretty well finished for last corset-making class on Thurs... that was one of the things i wanted to get done this weekend... *sigh* oh well...
I have the sick... again... hacking cough of awfulness. I rang to make an apointment with the doc this morning and he was fully booked but the secretary told me to come in just before 5, which is when they close, and she'd get me in because I sounded so awful. I left a message with the Director at work this morning (coz my immediate manager is not in on Mondays) and she just rang me and told me I have to take the rest of the week off. There was a circular last week from the Executive Director suggesting that staff with any kind of respiratory illness should take a full 7 days off work, so my Director is enforcing it.

I don't have a weeks' worth of sick leave. And I know that I will be feeling better in a day or two. So, now on top of feeling sick I'm stressed about being forced to stay home for a week and potentially losing pay.

If the doctor gives me a certificate saying I'm unfit for work for two days, can work actually stop me from coming once that's over?


Aug. 7th, 2009 01:08 pm
quiregrrl: (Dancing/Gay)
I won the cute polka dot panniers! Only $4 over budget including postage! Huzzah!

have successfully ridden to the station and home every day this week. Riding on the road feels surprisingly safer than riding on the foot path, pedestrians are scary and unpredictable and annoying and listen to MP3 players...

My nethers kind of hurt when I'm sitting on the bike, I am sure this will get better soon, but for the time being... ow... also, cycling apparently uses bum muscles and apparently nothing else I do really uses these because so far that's the only muscular ache I've had ...

I am so seriously unfit and seriously need to cut back on the smokes... hills, even quite low-gradient ones, defeat me. But I figure that walking a pushbike up a hill will still contribute to eventually being able to pedal it up there, and I pedal as far up the hill as I can until I'm going so slow that I can't balance anymore before I get off... The voices in my head for once are unified in cheering me on which is a beautiful thing :)

I have lots of good stuff happening this weekend... looking forward to it!

I had a very strange, somewhat biblical dream the other night... the bit I remember most distinctly (and this was just a small part of the whole) was that there was a giant snake wrapped around a tree and I'd gone there with a guy friend to climb the tree only we couldn't because the snake was there, so he was standing in front of it distracting it so that I could sneak up and grab it around the neck, which I did with much aplomb and I got it in a headlock (REALLY big snake) and accidentally hit the trigger point that made it spit all it's venom out (which I thought was ace, but I totally didn't know how I did it) but then it started talking and telling me off for being so mean to it, in this kind of whiny voice, and I felt really bad... meanwhile the guy was sitting on a picnic rug watching all this and eating an apple only he did not look like the guy I knew it was, he had kind of poofy wavy hair, a bit Hugh Grant-ish circa Four Weddings and a Funeral... very very odd, and oddly biblical in it's symbolism... not sure I really want to think too closely about what it all means!

I am getting slammed at work at the moment, it's good because it keeps me engaged and busy, but eeeeesh... lunch breaks and leaving on time would be nice... just occassionally, mind... ah well, caffiene is my friend!

Woo Friday Happy Dance!!!
I have a sick... woke up at 4am and spent half an hour vomiting violently, went back to bed, woke up again at 10ish, more vomiting... laid about feeling miserable for a while, tried a cup of weak black tea, more vomiting... more laying about... tried a glass of water... vomiting... over it. Have managed to not vomit for four and a half hours now, which is excellent, but I suspect it's only because there's absolutely nothing aside from a couple of organs left to vomit out... i am so not game to put anything else in my stomach... still feeling decidedly queasy and blah...

Yesterday was a much better day... got to see inside Ange's new pad, which is LOVELY, then accompanied her to pick up a bookcase, and back to the den for ANZAC day BBQ, which was all kinds of fun and happiness and silliness and lazing about in the backyard... huzzah for urban family fabulousness!
I have a very sore throat and feel flushed... dear jeebus let me not be getting sick... had the flu shot on Monday, hopefully it's just a very slight temporary reaction to that...

I found out this morning that bestie has had to explain a couple of times to unnamed folk that my hair is not an attempt to compensate for, or distract from anything, I just like having cool hair. *sigh*. Part of me thinks that, in addition to finding out that work people have made similar judgements, now finding out that friends/acquaintances have as well, maybe i was right in my suspicion that i'm neither cool enough, or attractive enough, or stylish enough to have a diagonal zigzaggy mohawk... and the rest of me is angry ... coz clearly fat chicks should keep their head down and blend in as much as possible and not do anything that might draw attention to themselves in any way, and any attempt to be noticeably individual with piercings, or a hairstyle, or whatever, is patently an attempt to distract people from the fact that they're fat... whatever... it's insulting, that they think I'm stupid enough to think that that would work, that they assume I want to even try and distract people from my weight... I'm fucking huge, I could get a weave in the shape of the moulin rouge complete with turning windmill and flashing lights and people would STILL notice that I'm fat... I think I'm going to make a skirt and stencil across the bum "no-one noticed my fat arse when I had punk hair" ...



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