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Life choices
I just had my lunch break and my head went into a very strange space.... every now and then a really big life decision comes along, and we know when we have to make it that whatever we decide, the options have profoundly different outcomes for the direction of our life, but we have to decide so we make our choice and then try and live with it... I had one of those decisions almost exactly 6 years ago, actually, it would have been this week 6 years ago... bizarre... anyhow, what happened was I got accidentally pregnant, and made the really difficult decision to end the pregnancy, and then tried to live with it, which was actually really really hard... I spiralled over the following year into serious depression, monstrous guilt, shame, self-loathing, anger... eventually I hit the point where it was far too much, and drank most of a bottle of vodka and swallowed a pack of sleeping tablets... fortunately, a friend who knew where my headspace had been rang me, I remember hearing the phone ring but didn't answer it, he got worried and decided to drive over and make sure I was ok, and quite literally saved my life. After that the deal I made with him involved me getting (and continuing beyond one or two sessions) counselling and I got to a point where it wasn't the consuming issue it had been and I had a degree of acceptance that at least let me get on with life... and part of that was reflecting on WHY i made that decision, and thinking realistically about the alternative, that I would be a struggling single mother etc, but other than that, and for quite some time now I haven't really thought about that side of things....
Then a friend mentioned someone they knew had committed suicide this morning and of course that brought up memories/thoughts of my own experience... then I headed out to lunch and bumped into the sister of the boy who I got pregnant too (strange coincidence)... so there I was sitting in the park with all this stuff rolling around in my head and watching a woman with her daughter, who looked about 3 or 4, and... I don't know how to describe it really, i just suddenly had this really strong.. awareness, i guess, of the parallel universe my life would be in if I had decided differently... it was kind of like stepping briefly into an alternate reality, it was the most bizarre and overwhelming feeling... that I would have a 5 year old child, and that everything about my life would be different, all the things I have done since that time, the friends I've made, the achievements, the lessons... all of that would have been different.... it was kind of like an affirmation that I made the right decision, but also knowing that even if i had decided differently and I was living that alternate reality it would also be right because whatever course we take in life, what makes it the right course is what we learn, and recognising the good, and appreciating the things that come to us along that path, like friends, and experiences, and achievements, and knowing that we have the power to direct our lives and shape our experience, that makes it the right decision... so whatever we do, if we live with strength and courage, and awareness and be thankful for the gifts that our choices bring us, and know that even the hardships are gifts because they give us a chance to grow and learn and expand our consciousness and experience in life and understanding, then we can always live with confidence that we are exactly where we are meant to be and we should not live regretting the things we have, or haven't done.... it feels like I've finally let go, not even realising I had been holding on to it.... and I'm left wondering how often that happens, that you hang on to something for so long that eventually you don't even realise that you're hanging on to it and carting it around with you until something startles you into letting go??
Then a friend mentioned someone they knew had committed suicide this morning and of course that brought up memories/thoughts of my own experience... then I headed out to lunch and bumped into the sister of the boy who I got pregnant too (strange coincidence)... so there I was sitting in the park with all this stuff rolling around in my head and watching a woman with her daughter, who looked about 3 or 4, and... I don't know how to describe it really, i just suddenly had this really strong.. awareness, i guess, of the parallel universe my life would be in if I had decided differently... it was kind of like stepping briefly into an alternate reality, it was the most bizarre and overwhelming feeling... that I would have a 5 year old child, and that everything about my life would be different, all the things I have done since that time, the friends I've made, the achievements, the lessons... all of that would have been different.... it was kind of like an affirmation that I made the right decision, but also knowing that even if i had decided differently and I was living that alternate reality it would also be right because whatever course we take in life, what makes it the right course is what we learn, and recognising the good, and appreciating the things that come to us along that path, like friends, and experiences, and achievements, and knowing that we have the power to direct our lives and shape our experience, that makes it the right decision... so whatever we do, if we live with strength and courage, and awareness and be thankful for the gifts that our choices bring us, and know that even the hardships are gifts because they give us a chance to grow and learn and expand our consciousness and experience in life and understanding, then we can always live with confidence that we are exactly where we are meant to be and we should not live regretting the things we have, or haven't done.... it feels like I've finally let go, not even realising I had been holding on to it.... and I'm left wondering how often that happens, that you hang on to something for so long that eventually you don't even realise that you're hanging on to it and carting it around with you until something startles you into letting go??