quiregrrl | (no subject)

I've been a non-smoker for nearly two weeks, and I have survived an Xmess party with friends, Xmess lunch at Dad's, and sitting on TNF's balcony, without lapsing. Not even once. Not even a little. I am conscious that I am replacing cigarettes somewhat with food, and I am very conscious that I cannot continue that. But I'm proud of myself.

there was a man on my train this morning... a young man in a business suit, on his way to work. He sat down opposite me and over the top of my book I noticed him pulling something out of his pocket... and into the stillness of the commuters and the rattling creak of the train floated very quietly the soft melancholy of a harmonica. Silent Night. The First Noel. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town. We Wish You A Merry Christmas. Amazing Grace. It was unassuming and quiet, and made me happy.

And I'm just ... trying to look at the world with rose coloured glasses... it doesn't feel good to be cranky all the time... to be anxious and stressed and depressed... to be wanting to always self-medicate in the harmful ways I do. It doesn't feel good, and it's not necessary. I can let go of things, and shrug, and think "Oh well... never mind". Sometimes I have to consciously remind myself that I can choose what I hold onto, but... maybe I'll get better with practice :) Rose-coloured glasses... I remember when I was little and that phrase was new to me, the way it was explained made it seem like a bad thing, as though only stupid people wore rose-coloured glasses, that it meant being blind to the way things really are, naive and foolish and vulnerable to being taken advantage of. I think that's such a sad and unfortunate message to have taken on so young... time to undo it.

Time to undo lots of things I have learned. Time to let go.