Making non-monogamy work
May. 23rd, 2013 12:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quiregrrlA friend was asking about non-monogamous relationships, if they can really work, and how... I'm posting my comment here so I can find it, in case I ever decide to try and do a non-monogamous relationship again, because this was one of those moments when I had absolute clarity around what I believe it takes...
... to be successful at non-monogamy you need to feel very secure in yourself, you need to be doing it for yourself, because you honestly and completely believe it's the right choice for you. And then you need to trust your partner implicitly, and them you, and you need to keep proving and earning that trust, over and over and over. By communicating, by being honest with yourselves and each other, by sticking to the boundaries that you've negotiated, by honoring your commitments to each other, by making time for each other, by respecting the boundaries you've negotiated around each other's other relationships. It's hard work. And there will be days that it's horrible, and you will feel jealous, and you will feel insecure, and you need to be able to own those feelings and not project them onto your partner(s) or their other relationships. You need to be really good at emotional self-care. And all of this goes for everyone else who is in, or connected to, your relationship(s). And even if you all are awesome at all of this, you still have to understand that it's no guarantee that you will get your happy ever after, because, well, life's like that.
... to be successful at non-monogamy you need to feel very secure in yourself, you need to be doing it for yourself, because you honestly and completely believe it's the right choice for you. And then you need to trust your partner implicitly, and them you, and you need to keep proving and earning that trust, over and over and over. By communicating, by being honest with yourselves and each other, by sticking to the boundaries that you've negotiated, by honoring your commitments to each other, by making time for each other, by respecting the boundaries you've negotiated around each other's other relationships. It's hard work. And there will be days that it's horrible, and you will feel jealous, and you will feel insecure, and you need to be able to own those feelings and not project them onto your partner(s) or their other relationships. You need to be really good at emotional self-care. And all of this goes for everyone else who is in, or connected to, your relationship(s). And even if you all are awesome at all of this, you still have to understand that it's no guarantee that you will get your happy ever after, because, well, life's like that.
