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Sep. 22nd, 2009 12:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quiregrrlIn my teens and twenties I was fairly adamant that I would never have children. Didn't want them, didn't like them, couldn't stand being around them, and certainly couldn't understand my friends for whom "having babies" was an integral part of their life plan. My mother, and other older women, would listen to my anti-baby rants and nod sagely and tell me that I would change my mind. This unfailingly caused further ranting on the abhorrence of children, the selfishness and irresponsibility of people bringing children into an already over-populated and unstable world, the misogynistic assumption that women are biologically compelled to breed and the presumption that there is something wrong, unnatural even, about women who do not coo with delight at the little squirmy things that eat and poop and shriek and vomit.
No thank you. Not me.
Much to my surprise, and a little dismay, it turns out that, for me at least, those older women were right. I have changed my mind. I do still strongly believe that it is perfectly natural for women to not want to have babies, and there is nothing wrong with those women at all. I do still believe that there is a large element of selfishness in bringing more children into this world. But since turning thirty I have been aware of a quiet ticking gradually increasing in volume, of vague longings steadily coalescing into a desire for that thing I thought I'd never want. A baby.
I have trouble admitting it, even to myself. And spending time near screaming feral 2 foot tall monsters in shopping centers does wonders in reasserting some reality in my rosy imaginings, sufficiently so at times to return me to my previous sense of horror at the prospect of motherhood. But then days like Saturday happen and I find myself understanding that feeling other women have described, that longing to be a mother.
My dad had a BBQ for his birthday on Saturday, and his sister-in-law Leanne was there with her two children which she adopted after fostering them both long term (one is now 10, the other 9), and two very small babies she is fostering currently. Delaney is 4.5 months old, and was removed from her mother two weeks ago due to severe neglect. She is baby number 7 for her mum, all seven children have been removed, four previously, and two others at the same time as Delaney. She has severe eczema, which at the time she was removed was so bad that she was covered in great big scabs, due to being fed solely with cows milk from birth. At four and a half months old, she has barely more neck control thn a new born baby, due most likely to being left lying in her crib almost constantly. And she doesn't cry. She barely grizzles. It's as though she knows there is no point. In the two weeks that Leanne has had her, her eczema has improved dramatically, there are obvious red and dry patches all over her, but they are healing. And she is the sweetest little thing, she responds with smiles when you play with her, and she was just adorable. George is four weeks old, he was removed from his mother two days after his birth, there was a notification and removal order prior to his birth so once he was born she was not even allowed to be alone with him. He is her 6th child, all of whom have been removed. George is almost as big as Delaney, who is three and a half months older than him. George was lucky. I spent several solid hours on Saturday holding one or the other of these little bundles, mostly George. I changed his nappy, fed him, played with him, changed him into his pj's, and rocked him to sleep. And I ached with wanting.
A huge part of it is of course just wanting to rescue these babies, and the countless ones like them, who are removed from parents who are unable or unwilling to look after them, yet keep on having them. It angers me beyond belief that these women just keep having babies. I find myself thinking that enforced chemical sterilisation might not be such a bad thing. If courts can order mental health patients to attend for their weekly medication injection, why can they not order compulsive breeders who have had multiple children removed to attend for their three monthly contraceptive injection?
I admire people who foster children so very much. I'm not sure I could do it. I get too easily attached and I think my heart would break, particularly if the baby or child I had cared for from an abusive or neglectful home was then sent back to that parent. That aside, I am a single woman, who has never had kids, and who works full time. I'm not a foster candidate.
But following that time with the babies, the ticking of my biological clock is loud and relentless. And I find myself calculating the odds. The odds that I will find someone to be in a long-term, secure, stable relationship with. Ever. The odds that they will want children. The odds that it would be possible to get pregnant. The odds that we would be able to afford it. The odds that all of those things will happen before I am past the age where I would consider it reasonable to have a baby. The odds aren't in my favour. So I find myself having only quite recently admitting to myself that this is something I want, already resigning myself to the idea that I probably won't ever have it.
If it doesn't happen, I know that I will regret not having had a child. But even knowing that, I also know that I will not embark on motherhood selfishly and recklessly, in a situation where I cannot give that child a reasonable life. Getting pregnant is possible now, raising a child isn't.
There is still hope, but it's small, and I am doing my best not to nurture it too greatly. But sometimes, I ache for motherhood.
No thank you. Not me.
Much to my surprise, and a little dismay, it turns out that, for me at least, those older women were right. I have changed my mind. I do still strongly believe that it is perfectly natural for women to not want to have babies, and there is nothing wrong with those women at all. I do still believe that there is a large element of selfishness in bringing more children into this world. But since turning thirty I have been aware of a quiet ticking gradually increasing in volume, of vague longings steadily coalescing into a desire for that thing I thought I'd never want. A baby.
I have trouble admitting it, even to myself. And spending time near screaming feral 2 foot tall monsters in shopping centers does wonders in reasserting some reality in my rosy imaginings, sufficiently so at times to return me to my previous sense of horror at the prospect of motherhood. But then days like Saturday happen and I find myself understanding that feeling other women have described, that longing to be a mother.
My dad had a BBQ for his birthday on Saturday, and his sister-in-law Leanne was there with her two children which she adopted after fostering them both long term (one is now 10, the other 9), and two very small babies she is fostering currently. Delaney is 4.5 months old, and was removed from her mother two weeks ago due to severe neglect. She is baby number 7 for her mum, all seven children have been removed, four previously, and two others at the same time as Delaney. She has severe eczema, which at the time she was removed was so bad that she was covered in great big scabs, due to being fed solely with cows milk from birth. At four and a half months old, she has barely more neck control thn a new born baby, due most likely to being left lying in her crib almost constantly. And she doesn't cry. She barely grizzles. It's as though she knows there is no point. In the two weeks that Leanne has had her, her eczema has improved dramatically, there are obvious red and dry patches all over her, but they are healing. And she is the sweetest little thing, she responds with smiles when you play with her, and she was just adorable. George is four weeks old, he was removed from his mother two days after his birth, there was a notification and removal order prior to his birth so once he was born she was not even allowed to be alone with him. He is her 6th child, all of whom have been removed. George is almost as big as Delaney, who is three and a half months older than him. George was lucky. I spent several solid hours on Saturday holding one or the other of these little bundles, mostly George. I changed his nappy, fed him, played with him, changed him into his pj's, and rocked him to sleep. And I ached with wanting.
A huge part of it is of course just wanting to rescue these babies, and the countless ones like them, who are removed from parents who are unable or unwilling to look after them, yet keep on having them. It angers me beyond belief that these women just keep having babies. I find myself thinking that enforced chemical sterilisation might not be such a bad thing. If courts can order mental health patients to attend for their weekly medication injection, why can they not order compulsive breeders who have had multiple children removed to attend for their three monthly contraceptive injection?
I admire people who foster children so very much. I'm not sure I could do it. I get too easily attached and I think my heart would break, particularly if the baby or child I had cared for from an abusive or neglectful home was then sent back to that parent. That aside, I am a single woman, who has never had kids, and who works full time. I'm not a foster candidate.
But following that time with the babies, the ticking of my biological clock is loud and relentless. And I find myself calculating the odds. The odds that I will find someone to be in a long-term, secure, stable relationship with. Ever. The odds that they will want children. The odds that it would be possible to get pregnant. The odds that we would be able to afford it. The odds that all of those things will happen before I am past the age where I would consider it reasonable to have a baby. The odds aren't in my favour. So I find myself having only quite recently admitting to myself that this is something I want, already resigning myself to the idea that I probably won't ever have it.
If it doesn't happen, I know that I will regret not having had a child. But even knowing that, I also know that I will not embark on motherhood selfishly and recklessly, in a situation where I cannot give that child a reasonable life. Getting pregnant is possible now, raising a child isn't.
There is still hope, but it's small, and I am doing my best not to nurture it too greatly. But sometimes, I ache for motherhood.
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Date: 2009-09-21 11:48 pm (UTC)The Baby Pheremone becomes increasingly detectable, the more into ones thirties you get. It is responsible for turning Aunties into Mothers. Babies exude this particular pheremone, usually while being cuddled by a non-breeding female. It lulls you into a false sense of matronhood, and stimulates your imagination, with emphasis on the happy satisfying fulfilling condition of motherhood. It pokes at empty wombs and squeezes your boobies. It makes you forget the before and after of birth and conception, focusing only on the happy comforting feeling of holding a warm happy baby and making promises IT CANNOT KEEP.
The sirens of mythology have nothing on the lure of Baby Pheremone.
This is not a bad thing or a good thing, but just a thing. It has evolved over centuries, because otherwise we would toss babies onto the scrap heap the minute we had to mind someone else's screaming pissy little annoyance. It's a survival mechanism, and one that has kept us breeding.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-22 03:19 am (UTC)It's hit me rather hard if that's the case... coz I know that the promises are, at best, just so much spin... I'm well aware that babies do lots more pooping, vomming, and non-stop unappeasable screaming than they do the sweet, happy sleeping baby thing... I'm fascinated by the whole pregnant/birth thing, and actually really want to experience it, even in spite of my mothers (frequently successful) attempts to horrify me with her midwifery textbooks in my early teens... I know babies turn into toddlers who destroy everything in the house, then children who destroy everything in other people's houses, then teenagers who try to destroy their parents... the thought of being responsible for raising another human terrifies me, but I still want to do it...
I think my brain fell out somewhere...
no subject
Date: 2009-09-23 01:04 am (UTC)I sometimes have strange thoughts of having one too when I've previously wanted to kill them on sight.
However I am still able to laugh off the desire because well, I just don't really *want* one that badly.
Selfish to the core, I'd still rather be a rent a womb to experience pregnancy and give it away afterwards than keep it.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-21 11:56 pm (UTC)Mothering someone is an easy thing to fall into feeling, especially if you're feeling lonely or particularly single (erm, I'm making assumptions about your feelings, so I apologise if I am wrong). Wanting to give someone your love and look after them is something all of us feel, even those who prefer to be child free.
I'm not going to lie to you, though. Motherhood is AWESOME. Exactly what you're feeling now is exactly what you feel when you have your own child, but a million times as much.
Also, other people's kids still shit you if they're screaming or misbehaving. You tend to have far more patience for your own child - not that it doesn't wear thin on occasion.
At the moment, you're doing exactly what a responsible mother should do, and that's not having children just yet. You're absolutely right in that your current situation is not suitable, even though you, personally, are.
What that proves is that you would be a very good mother, as you are able to make rational decisions when your heart is trying to drag you in other directions.
Kids who grow up in single parent families are just as healthy, well-adjusted and intelligent as dual parent families. The person it is hard on is that single parent. Since Roisin was born, I've always thought that it doesn't matter what sex the parents are, but it's so much easier on you if there are two of you. Even if you are the primary care giver, having someone there as a back up if you drop the ball is an enormous help. I couldn't imagine what it would be like doing it on my own.
Having said that, I'm watching a friend do it on her own after having Super Surprise Baby land in her life, and she's doing O.K. Sometimes she just wants to give up, but most of the time she's so enamoured with her angel, she couldn't imagine anything else. Actually, as a mother in a dual-parent family, I think that way, too!
There's also the matter of your own emotions and whether they are ready to have a child. We've heard a lot about post-natal depression, but what they don't really touch on is attachment. Attachment theory says that the first few months are vital. A mother who is distant because of anxiety and depression she is feeling is not a bad mother, but is having an affect on her child's development. As far as I know, a large majority of mothers and babies bounce back and have normal attachments, but some don't. That's probably the most important thing you have to keep in mind if you decide to have a child. It may not even be a problem for you now or then, but the stress of having someone's life in your hands can do funny things to your brain.
As for money - everyone freaks out before a child is born, and I think it's unneccessary. Yes, babies need cots and toys and bouncers and high chairs and all sorts of stuff that can be really expensive, but, once they arrive, you just make do. Buying nappies, formula and baby food becomes second nature and you barely notice the money going out of your grocery budget.
I'm kinda babbling and it's because I think babies are great. In fact, I think I just reiterated what you already said. I like to think, though, that if you chose to have children, that you would feel confident that you would do a good job, because I can tell you would.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-22 03:33 am (UTC)I agree that kids who grow up in single parent families are not disadvantaged by it, but yeah, I don't know that I have the personal resources to cope with it all on my own... I want to do it with a partner for my sake more than any potential childs!
I don't think the urge to procreate is a response to feeling lonely or particularly single... it's possible, and I'm not discounting it, but i have a cat and friends that I am conscious of mothering, and ... this feels like it goes beyond a simple desire to mother someone...
Anyhow... the odds are stacked against me but I do appreciate the vote of confidence and encouragement that I'm not nuts for wanting to be a mum :)
no subject
Date: 2009-09-23 12:52 pm (UTC)I think wait a bit, but then if you're still sure, go for it. I know a woman with a housing commission unit, four kids, no support from the dads. She's a lovely woman.
Considering how my career is so pear-shaped, I regret not taking the single-mum sperm donor route now. I work nights, minimal social life and get migraines and what for? A wage that breaks even, no holidays. Not worth it.
Also, former Health Minister Reba Meagher - a preggers single woman on her $130,000/yr pension. (She should be on single mum's pension.) No stigma for single mums.
Some randoms and not very coherant thoughts (I just woke up)
Date: 2009-09-23 02:14 pm (UTC)Making the decision to not breed kind of takes away my rights to bitch and moan about the state of the world and the people who are being brought into it.
I've been thinking of late that we do motherhood wrong. The whole nuclear family and breaking up of community meaning it's common now for children to be brought up by single parents. I have a feeling that this isn't how it;'s meant to be, and I'm having rather socialist thoughts about child-raising.
For example, why does a child have to be brought up alone?There's no reason, in a big enough house, that 2 or 3, maybe even 4 parents could raise their children together. Obviously there would have to be certain structure and order, and this is really sounding quite hippyish... but I can envisage maybe one mum working fulltime, and a couple working part time, and the other staying fulltime at home, with appropriate funds being paid into a household account, so the stay at home mum still gets an allowance and house payments are covered...
I suppose this would work until kids were of school age and then different arrangements would likely need to be made otherwise they'd get paid out on... or maybe not? I dunno...
I think we just do it wrong...
no subject
Date: 2009-09-24 08:45 am (UTC)The fact that you might have to do it alone...yeah...that sucks! But I know that you wouldn't really let that stop you. You are a strong, proud, motivated and inspirational woman. There is nothing that you cannot achieve if you put your mind to it. And that's not a wank statement, it is true. Many times you have told me who you admire me for just keeping on keeping on, in the face of all adversities. That's not easy, it's not fun and it's not what I would prefer...but you're right. I. Keep. Doing. It.
And so would you.
I've thought about it...just what I need, a million horses, 2 dogs, a psycho cat, reducing numbers of chickens...and a baby! But I want one. And I was certainly the anti-childbearing individual most of my life like you...but maybe they are right about our biological clocks. :-)
The reality of your future, with or without children, is your choice. You know that your urban family would fully support you, and you could always come over here and I could look after you all! :-) I can't tell you not to calculate the odds for your future...cause I do that on a daily basis. But you should be full of hope as you progress and develop through your life. And raising a child now IS possible.
I believe in you so good luck!
xxxxx