Ummmm...

[quiregrrl]

So... it seems I have a part-time Sir :)

This is kind of strange and unusual... good, and happy-making... but strange and unusual for me.

It's no secret that my last relationship left me a bit broken... ok, a lot broken... friends on my close filter know that even a couple of months ago I was having massive angst about trust, about ever letting anyone else close, about sex, about well... relationships. Those issues haven't gone away, but I need to start letting go of them.

A month or so ago, a boy of my acquaintance told me that the days of me being toppy with him were over... and he indicated that he might want to explore his own toppy side with me, and maybe we could have a conversation about that...

We finally had that conversation this evening. Seriously, one of the best conversations of my life. Every relationship I have ever had has started by accident... a matter of hormones, lust and sex which has led to falling in love and calling it a relationship... or worse, lust and sex which I have then needed to justify to myself by telling myself it's love and forcing a relationship where it shouldn't have been... Don't get me wrong, some of those relationships have been wonderful, some of them haven't been, each of them has been valuable in some way. I love the falling in love, the passion that consumes and takes over your life, it's the best kind of madness. Until it's not. Right now, I have enough of my own madness, I don't need that madness as well. But I miss having someone special, I miss being part of a D/s dynamic, I miss sex.

So.. I sat down tonight with a friend, someone I like and respect, someone I care about very much, someone I have fun and laugh with, someone I enjoy playing and flirting with... and we negotiated a relationship, with clear heads, and blunt honesty. As I said above, it was one of the best conversations of my life... for the honesty, for the rationality, for the way we were so on the same page for so many things... things I was worried about saying, thing that he was worried about saying, but we said them and discovered we were on the same page of the same book at the same time...

Now we get to embark, clear-headed, on an adventure together. A chance for him to explore his newly discovered toppishness, a chance for me to heal some of the wounds inflicted by a careless person, with someone who is safe, in a way that is safe.

It feels very strange to have had "The Conversation" before anything else has happened, but I'm very happy about where this is, and what lies ahead. There are still some nitty-gritty's to be discussed, and some things to figure out, but I'm optimistic :)

Comments

[quiregrrl.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much :)