Question

[quiregrrl]

For those of you still around and reading in LJ land, please feel free to weigh in on this one...

how do you (you personally, not generic youse) know you're IN love with someone? what's the defining difference between the love you feel for a partner-type-person, and the love you feel for a good friend, or family member, or favorite author, or activity, or that thing you own??

I'm pondering on the different kinds of love and the intersections of partnership, friendship, family, sex and romance... and I'm interested in others' thoughts...

Comments

[fluffydescent.livejournal.com]

Hmm... That's a hard one.


The butterflies, the happy thoughts, the looking forward to spending time together, being together... the all over happy that flows through the veins. It's just different.

I'm not very good at explaining myself, because it's only happened once or twice.

[quiregrrl.livejournal.com]

Yeah part of the reason I'm asking is there have really only been a couple of times I've felt like "I'm in love with this person", and looking back I'm kind of wondering if that's really what it was ... how do you know!? Or am I just questioning the validity because the endings overlay the beginnings/middles?

but yeah, that fluttery butterflies happy feeling where just thinking about them makes you grin... I reckon that's a good clue, especially at the start :-)

[therasca1queen.livejournal.com]

Ahh, something I've been pondering myself lately...

So, it's not the heady spasticness of early infatuation, which often, I feel, gets confused with love. And it's not lust, although also, often confused. Mmm, lust.

So, "in love", for me I guess, include those caring feelings of platonic love, but also lust, because well, when you're in lvoe with someone you definitely want them...plus sharing everything with them, this is the biggy I think, making myself vulnerable and being reassured that that is ok. Plus thinking about them all the time, which can be distracting. That also happens with infatuation for me, but it's different.

I think "in love" can't happen by itself. That is, you can't be in love with someone who isn't at least reciprocating a lot of the same feelings. It's possible to love people, and not have that reciprocated, but in love is actually conditional on reciprocation of some kind.

Would go into more but my eyes hurt. xxx

[therasca1queen.livejournal.com]

Oh, some common things when I've been "in love".
- Knowing them, their presence in my life, makes me want to be a better me.
- Affections don't wane when we're apart, but I also feel the same when we're together.

[quiregrrl.livejournal.com]

Thanks honey :-) I like "heady spasticness", that's such an apt description!! I've not thought about "in love" requiring reciprocation... I'm prone to crushes, and unrequited love, but i think you're right, the "in love" thing is a mutual thing... Hmmm... more pondering, thank you for giving me more things to think about! xo

[doctornurse.livejournal.com]

I have been pondering since you asked this... I think for me, like the rascalqueen says, it's all of the love and lust feelings you might have for a mate, or a fuck buddy, plus something else.

I know when I was single, I would really enjoy spending time with a mate, or fuck buddy or fling, and would be all 'la la la la' the day after hot sex. When I got together with S though I realised something else was happening. It was like suddenly the stakes were much higher, it was a much scarier, more exciting ride. That was the 'falling in love' part, I think. I don't think it has to be mutual, but I did feel like it would rip my heart out if the feelings weren't reciprocated.

Being in love is different again. In terms of actions it's not so much different to loving friends or family in that you have their back & they have yours, and you are willing to put up with their drama and grumpiness as well the fun stuff. Every so often we get the 'falling in love' bit coming on again though, and in a secure relationship it's not so scary and more buzzy.

Edited to add: at different times in my life I would have answered this differently. I no longer confuse feelings of 'drama' with feelings of love, for example.

Ok edited again: S says being in love for him s about a feeling of trust that if I go, I' m always coming back to him. Falling in love was terror that I was never coming back!

[quiregrrl.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your thoughts... I love how you distinguish between the falling and the being in love, and I really really love S's distinction between the two, that's quite beautiful really! Please tell him thank you for his input!

I like your point about "drama", I think I've misconstrued intense lust and infatuation and drama for "in love" before...

Anyhow, more food for thought, thank you!

[doctornurse.livejournal.com]

Thank you for asking the question!